10 Ways to Recession Proof Your Car

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Comedian and social commentator, James England, discusses several ways people whom have little to no collateral assets can turn a likely future of starvation and cannibalism into excitation and fiscal liberalism!

Hey meatsacks, it’s your friend and stalwart traveling companion, James England.  I’m back again to give you guys a couple tips on how to recession proof your collateral assets.  You may have noticed, but the US is in a bit of a frumpy downturn with the whole massive devaluation of the US dollar, general incompetence, and probably a bright future in rioting.  I’m here to talk about the UP SIDE of the DOWN SIDE.

I’ve taken an object that many of you probably own: your vehicle.  In this case, I own a 2008 Volvo S80.  It’s cool.  Chicks dig it.  But I don’t own it outright and I wanted to let you all on a little secret: there are no such things as experts.  That’s a myth created by satan to capture and destroy your ever-loving soul.

Anyhow, onto car talk!

1.)  Put everything you own, or want to own for the foreseeable future, into your car or vehicle.  Does it all fit?  Good.

2.)  Now place your loved ones or anyone you want to maintain a long and steady relationship with into the car.  Does he/she/it fit?  If not, you’re going to have to start making some sacrifices.

3.)  Look into your refridgerator.  Is there food in there?  Will it survive inside your car?  No?  Start eating.  Obesity isn’t going to be a problem for very much longer.  Diptheria, dysentary, AIDS, and possibly malaria will be in your immediate future, but definitely not obesity.

4.)  Stock up on non-perishibles like dried beans and rice.  Those will last you a little longer and you’re going to be boiling a lot of water while you’re travelling to your next safe haven.

5.)  Have a daughter or son or both?  Congratulations!  You now have collateral assets!  Don’t think about this one, too much.

6.)  How many miles to the gallon does your vehicle get before it runs out?  That’s considered your “optimal distance” or how far you have to go before you start walking or are enslaved.

7.)  Where is your nearest source of clean, reliable water that you don’t have to purify?  Can your car or vehicle make it there?  If not, disregard all previous steps.

8.)  Have a gun or firearm?  Count the number of bullets you have.  As many as you have, make sure to keep one for yourself and any one or thing you don’t want to be violently fallen upon by the hoardes.

9.)  Faith in humanity.  If it still fits in your car after you’ve practiced loading all the worldly possessions you want to take with you and your family/close loved ones, make sure to proudly display it for all the other future cannibals and rapists to see.

10.)  Cormac McCarthy’s book, “The Road”.  Read it.  Know this is your future.  No matter what happens or what anyone ever tells you, it’s all a lie.  You will probably live long enough to see human beings acting at their very worst, and you may yourself, at times, act upon those same impulses that comes from decades and generations of being raised in an ever-present lie that we can all live in peaceful harmony and segregation.

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