How to Drive – Birmingham Style


In the forty minutes it took me to get to work this morning I have decided that I need to become a much less considerate and much more aggressive driver. So, my apologies to those who may meet me on the roads in future but if it helps you can blame the dickheads who were driving to Birmingham this morning. So how can I go about my goal of competing with every other cretin on the roads?

  • Don’t signal. If you signal you simply alert other drivers to what you are trying to do so that they can do everything in their power to stop you doing it. Need to overtake a stopped bus? Just pull the hell out and let the bugger behind you hit his brakes. Going right at a roundabout? Well as nobody pays any attention to your indicators anyway why waste the effort of using them; let everyone play the guessing game that they were playing anyway.
  • Stick like glue to the ass of the car in front. This has two effects. Firstly it has the possibility of speeding the car in front up so you can move more quickly. But more importantly it means that no other son of a bitch can get in front of you. And the less cars in front of you the less chances people get to hack you off by acting like lunatics in front of you.
  • Make liberal use of your horn. Your horn is there to make be used and it makes a very effective honking sound that will alert other drivers to the idiocy of their intentions. It is also an effective way of signalling your right of way and your complete lack of any intention to stop moving in the direction that your front bumper is pointing in at your current speed. If you multi-task and hit the horn whilst showing the middle finger this means you are well on your way to becoming a pro.
  • Completely ignore all signs and speed limits. If the bloke in front is doing 30mph that just means he’s a wimp who doesn’t know the roads, overtake him and blast it at 50mph. You’ll get to your destination so much quicker and everyone else will just have to move out of your way. Hump back bridge? Well, as I am clearly the most important person on the road then there is no point in slowing down; just take it and let anyone else hit the brakes.

So, there you have it. And again, my sincere apologies to anybody who is not a cretin on the roads but as I can’t tell that at a distance everybody is going to get the same treatment. I am a new recruit to the school of Birmingham driving. Just be ready to hit your brakes.

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