A Thing for Cars

Here in the great Midwest, we have enjoyed a winter of 2 blizzards and a huge ice storm. Highways have been closed. Schools have been cancelled, and even McDonald’s has been shuttered for days. Winter has been trying on all of us. It’s a monotony of frigid temperatures and ice covered roads.

But fortunately, we can still have some fun by driving like a total idiot. Winter driving can be an adventure, and you can make it more exciting for yourself and your fellow drivers by following these helpful tips!

1) First off, “Travel Not Advised” does not apply to you. Your local DOT only has this classicfication when white out conditions can cause you to hit most anything on the road. But don’t worry. It does not apply to you.

2) Tailgating will make the impact faster.Think of it. If you are one inch from the person’s bumper in front of you, how far will you have to travel to hit them? One inch! Too bad we don’t do the metric system, huh?

3) Speed helps with donuts, especially on the highway. Black ice is something invented by Ice Cube to make us think he was cool. Sorry, Lady Gaga don’t play that!

4) You only need to clear enough space off your window to see out while parked in your driveway. If you can see your house when you left, it will remain the same when you get back. Sure, wind could cause all the other snow particles to move into your vision, but did your house change? Did it? No. I thought not. Oh, and clearing the back window. That is for only fools who drive down the road in reverse.

5) Check for ice often by slamming on your breaks often.Remember, pumping your breaks is for people not strong enough to push the brake pedal to the floor. Sliding to an actual stop prevents you from whizzing through intersections like a X-Game star when you don’t have a green light.

6) Drive as fast as you can down on-ramps. The speed limit on most highways is at least 55. Sure, when you get down to the bottom of the on-ramp everyone else might be going 10 because of the weather, but your better than that. You can get them all up to speed by going bowling with your car. 

7) And finally, buy a truck. Everyone in the ditch drives one!